Luke's Day

"Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine"
(Lyrics from the song "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe)

January 10 is noted on my calendar as Luke's Day, so called because this is the day my brother died at the age of 16, 33 days after a heart/double lung transplant. It seems impossible that 8 years can have gone by already, yet at the same time it seems almost another lifetime ago that it all happened.

I will never forget that morning that my dad called with the news that this was going to be the last day. As painful and upsetting as it was to hear my dad crying on the other end of the phone as he told me, I remember thinking after I hung up, "He has to do this phone call again several times - how is he going to do that?" And then calling my dear husband at work, crying and telling him, and him coming home as soon as he could to be with me. I remember talking on the phone with my sister several times during that day wondering why we hadn't heard if it was all over. Longing to be there but yet a little relieved I was not.

I had just been to see him 2 weeks earlier at the Stanford University pediatric hospital in San Jose, California, 10 days post transplant. It was the most difficult trip I've ever made. He was in isolation in ICU and was pretty heavily sedated most of the time, fighting for his life. There were a few times where he recognized me and was able to communicate, and while he probably would not have remembered my presence later, I do, and those were moments that I wouldn't trade for anything. But after he died, it took a long time for me to think of him without those images popping into my mind first.

I still miss him alot. I'm sad that my kids barely remember him, but I'm so thankful that we have some pictures of them together, few as they are. I wonder what his life would have been like if he would have lived. I like to think it would have been better and normal, but maybe it would have been painful and worse. I'm sure he would have made the best of it either way though because he was not a complainer. God knew all along what his future held yet allowed him to be a part of our lives for 16 years and for that I will always be thankful.

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye
(Lyrics from "In the Blink of an Eye" by MercyMe)

So I wish you all a happy Luke's Day because I'm positive he'd much rather have us sitting around remembering the good times and laughter than being sad and depressed that he's not still here with us. And we will get to see him again in heaven and what a reunion that will be!